Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr Tagalog For Kids : August 2014

Sunday 31 August 2014

Funny Birthday Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr Tagalog For Kids About Girls

Funny Birthday Quotes Biography

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1. You would have loved the gift I didn’t bother getting you.

2. When I have a birthday I take the day off. But when my wife has a birthday, she takes a year or two off.

3. You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

4. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

5. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.

6. When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

7. Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

8. With age comes wisdom. You’re one of the wisest people I know.

9. The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.

10. I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

11. You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime.

12. You’re birthday reminds me of the old Chinese scholar.. Yung No Mo

13. I didn’t forget your birthday. I just forgot today’s date!

14. You’re not 40, you’re eighteen with 22 years of experience!

15. Birthdays are like boogers. The more you have the harder it is to breathe!

16. You may not be over the hill yet, but you have a great view!

17. Old enough to know better…Young enough to still do it.

18. Happiness is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel its warmth. And that’s what you feel today. Happy Birthday.

19. I’m just here for the cake.

20. If you want to look young and thin on your birthday. Hang around a bunch of old fat people.

21. Just imagine the things you’d want to hear on your birthday and assume i said them. Happy B-Day

22. There are lots of good people in the world. One of them would like to wish you a happy birthday.

23. A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

24. Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.

25. Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, ‘Happy Birthday’

26. Like many women my age, I am 28 years old.

27. Looking fifty is great – if you’re sixty.

28. Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional.

29. So far, this is the oldest I have ever been.

30. It has been scientifically proven that too many birthdays will kill you.

31. Don’t forget to wear your birthday suit….but check it for wrinkles first!

32. You’re so old when you look at your birth certificate it said expired

33. People say that the good die young, so I guess that’s make you an old bad ass!

34. It’s proven that at the age 41 you start to lose your memory. We can only hope!

35. Another year, another new place that aches.

36. It's ok to light the candles on your birthday cake now; I've already alerted the fire department.

37. An old fart is as good as a new one.

38. Don't think of it as getting older, think of it as becoming a classic.

39. The younger you try to look; the older you actually are.

40. Count your blessings, not your wrinkles.

41. May you live as long as you want to, and want to as long as you live.

42. Wishing you many more candles and a cake big enough to fit them all on.

43. You have reached the age where all compliments will be followed by "for your age."

44. Don't forget to wear your sunglasses when the cake is served. Happy birthday.

45. The older the fiddler, the sweeter the tune.

46. No wise man ever wished to be younger.

47. Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

48. When I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my beach house on Maui and I want my husband to be so upset that he has to drop out of college.

Funny Birthday QuotesFunny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr Tagalog For Kids About Girls

Funny Confucius Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr Tagalog For Kids About Girls

Funny Confucius Quotes Biography

Source:-Link(Google.com)
Woman who go to man's apartment for snack, gets tit-bit.

Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.

Man who gets kicked in balls, left holding the bag.

Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.

Passionate kiss like spider web ... lead to undoing of fly.

Man with hole in pocket, feel cocky all day.

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

Virginity like balloon ... one prick, all gone.

Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

Man who farts in church, sits in own pew.

Baseball all wrong ... man with four balls no can walk.

Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.

Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

Woman who fly upside down, have crack up.

Man who go to bed with question of sex on mind wake up with solution well
in hand.

Girl who do back spring on bedspring have offspring next spring

Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.

Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.

Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day.

Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.

Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.

He who farts in church, sits in own pew.

Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.

Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.

Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

Man with penis in peanut butter is fucking nuts.

Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.

Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.

Baseball very funny game--man with 4 balls no can walk!!

Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.

Woman who fly plane upside down have crackup.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Secretary not permanent, till screwed on desk.

A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.

Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night. (hehehe - ^v^)

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.

Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloons.

Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.

He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.

Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.

Elevator smell different to midget.

Man who lay woman on ground have piece on earth

Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

"Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam."

"Virgin like balloon . . . one prick, all gone."

"Baseball wrong . . . man with four balls cannot walk!"

"Work to become, not to acquire."

"Baby conceived in automatic car shiftless bastard."

"A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose."

"Find old man in dark, not hard!"

"Man who smoke pot choke on handle."

"Ok for shit to happen . . . will decompose."

"Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache."

"Sailor who gets discharged from navy leave buddies behind."

"Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk."

"Don't drink and park, accidents cause people."

"He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser."

"Man who tell one to many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"

"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."

"Never raise hands to angry child, it leave groin exposed."

"Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot is unsanitary."

"Man who fart in church sit in his own pew!"

"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."

"Confucius say too God damn much!"

"Those who quote me are fools."

"Man who drive like hell bound to get there!"

"Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants!"

"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!" "Man who sit on tack get point!"

"Man who runs behind car gets exhausted!"

"Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion!"

"War not determine who's right, war determines who's left."

Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be a shiftless bastard.

Man who lay girl on hill not on level.

He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.

Wife who put man in dog house find him in cat house.

Man who farts in church sits alone in pew.

Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.

Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.

Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.

Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.

Man with athletic finger make broad jump.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.

Modern house without toilet uncanny.

Woman who springs on inner-spring this spring, gets off-spring next spring

Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.

Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth.

Man who lay woman on ground has peace on earth.

Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality.

Baseball very strange game. How can man with 4 balls walk?

Woman who go to man's apartment for snack may get tit bit.

Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.

Woman who spends much time on bedspring, may have offspring.

Passionate kiss like spider web: lead to undoing of fly.

Man and mouse alike, both end up in pussy.

Man who get kicked in testicles left holding bag.

Man who sucks nipples make clean breast of things.

Man who fights with wife all day, gets no peace at night.

Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.

Wife who slides down banister makes monkey shine.

Virginity like balloon, one prick and it is all gone.

Girl who douches with vinegar walk around with sour puss.

Woman who flies upside-down have crack up.

He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.

Man who have head up ass, have shitty outlook on life.

Man who have hand in pocket not just jingling change.

A streaker is someone who is unsuited for his work.

He who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.

He who make love to exhaust pipe of car have hot rod.

Epileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.

Sleepy man who stand behind car get exhausted.

Sleepy man who stand in front of car get tired.

Man who go to bed with itchy ass, wakes up with smelly fingers.

Man who stand on toilet, must be high on pot.

Man who have hand in pockets, not crazy, just feeling nuts.

Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand

Funny Confucius QuotesFunny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr Tagalog For Kids About Girls

Funny Valentine Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr Tagalog For Kids About Girls

Funny Valentine Quotes Biography

Source:-Link(Google.com)

I trust you plan more for Valentine’s Day than Russia prepared for the Olympics.

I hope you noticed that not only the Sochi Olympics opening ceremony is missing a ring.

What’s does my perfect Valentine’s day look like? I am sitting at work with 5 cell phones in front of me and people are calling me every 10 minutes to buy one of the 50 reservations that I made in different restaurants.

If you‘re alone during Valentine’s day, it is priceless for you. Otherwise you would spend a few hundred dollars.

If you feel sad that you stay alone during Valentine‘s day, just remember that nobody loves you on any of those other 355 days of the year.

Today is February 14th – St. Valentine’s day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as extortion day.

To comfort your sister if she’s alone during Valentine’s day, you may say: 80 percent of my socks are single but I have never seen them crying because of that.

My boyfriend told me I can do with him whatever I want on Valentine’s Day, so I tied him up and went to the nightclub.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all the couples, wish your love last forever and to all single people wish your batteries last forever…

Valentine’s Day is for couples. All singles can enjoy themselves for rest of 364 days of the year.

Please remember that Valentine’s Day is a polite reminder that Christmas decorations must go down!

Love doesn’t have a price tag on it, but all its accessories has.

It would be great if Valentine’s Day came with a fast-forward button

I‘m only in this for your cute butt. Obviously. Happy Valentine‘s day.

I love you just the way I am

A real confession: You mean so much more to me than my new iPhone!

I do not need a photograph to remember you, because you are always on my mind.

Darling, will you be my player number 2?

To be happy with a man you have to understand him a lot and love me a little. While with the women it‘s vice versa: love them a lot and don‘t even try to understand them. Happy Valentine’s day!

A recommendation for girls for St. Valentine’s day: if you want to be successful among guys during St. Valentine’s day and lucky afterwards, the only ring you may were during the Day of Love is the contraceptive ring in your vagina.

I would love you even if you were so ugly that everyone died.

You would be perfect (if only you lost 20 pounds)

I need to fell in love, because I haven’t had any problems for a long time. Happy February 14th!

You’ve to kiss a lot of frogs, before you find your prince on the horse.

You should leave office earlier today so your colleagues will think you have some romantic plans for Valentine’s Day.

I wish you would be my emergency contact person one day.

I’m celebrating no need to celebrate Valentine’s Day.

Congratulations! You are my first repetitive Valentine.

I suspect you was cheating, your gift for me was too amazing.

I want to say thank you for the flowers I’m going to send to myself and pretend are from you.

"Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone."

"Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!"

"Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day."

Russ Meneve
"Ever have that one friend who gets a Valentine's Day gift for their mother? Doens't that freak you out a little? It's like, 'I don't know how to break this to you but I think she's banging your dad!'"

"I have a dream, and a plan, to combine the commercial possibilities of Valentine's Day with the substance and meaning of black history month. I call it: Blackentine's Day."

"It goes Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day. Is that fair to anyone who's alone? These are all days you gotta be with someone. And if you didn't get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year's, boom! There's Valentine's Day. I think there should be one more after Valentine's Day just called, 'Who could love you?'"

"Let me tell you why I hate Valentine's day: Because a few years ago on Valentine's night I thought I would have nice romantic evening in with the lady. Little did I know, that same night, her ex boyfriend decided he would win her heart back. And being the sweet, romantic guy that he is, he thought the best way to do this was to get all coked up and then jump through a window and TRY TO MURDER ME... You know what, it worked. They're still together."

Jon Stewart
"Happy Valentine's Day! And if this is news to you, my guess is you're probably alone. Valentine's Day is often times a, well, it's a manufactured day that really doesn't mean anything."

I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore!"

Valentine's Day money-saving tips:

Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th.

In place of bubble bath, use lavender-scented dish-washing liquid.

Funny Valentine QuotesFunny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr Tagalog For Kids About Girls

Funny Work Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr Tagalog For Kids About Girls

Funny Work Quotes Biography

Source:-Link(Google.com)
I don't think most of my coworkers would be that much different if they became actual zombies.

It annoys me when my coworkers are running around and avoiding work while I'm avoiding work at my desk

I'm sorry my recent absence from work caused you to have to do your own work.

Please let me know if that work I spent sleepless nights on was good enough for you to take credit for.

My condolences on all the small talk you must endure because of your desk's proximity to the elevator.

I love pretending I have the courage to quit my job

I send pointless emails late at night to impress coworkers.

Best of luck on your internship here and on getting me a coffee right now.

Let's discuss the company's health benefits during our smoke break.

I'm glad the slower summer pace at work gives us more time to complain about work

My resume is basically a list of things I hate to do.

Sometimes I like to treat myself at work and just do one thing at a time.

I wish you were as productive as your rectum is.

I'd have better people skills if I worked with better people.

Thanks for putting in extra hours to make a bullshit deadline that does not matter.

Thank you for replying to part of my e-mail.

Thanks for coming in early and staying late because I have kids and you don't.

I can't wait for my boss to leave for the day so I can stop pretending to work.

I should really start going to bed earlier so I have more time in the morning to be late for work.

Sometimes it takes me more than eight hours to get nothing done.

My only professional ambition is to get a desk where no one can see my computer monitor other than me.

The only thing I plan to accomplish at work today is to turn a gallon of coffee into a gallon of piss.

We feel that your job performance would improve greatly if you just quit doing your job.

I can't believe you haven't finished the thing I forgot to tell you to start.

Your name still comes up at work whenever something goes horribly wrong and we don't want to take the blame.

Please figure this out and get back to me ASAP even though it would take me less time to do it myself than to write this email.

Bitching about other people not working really makes the day fly by.

I wish we had something better to do at our crappy jobs than check our disappearing 401(k)s which ensures we'll be stuck forever at our crappy jobs.

At least not having an office window means you'll never know how nice it is outside..

I couldn't get through Mondays without knowing you're equally miserable

The next best thing to quitting my job is fantasizing about quitting my job

Our meetings would go much faster if no one spoke.

I work well with others when they leave me the fuck alone.

Our meetings would go much faster if no one spoke.

I work so I can afford the amount of alcohol required to continue going to work.

The three phrases that'll get you through life: 1: Cover for me. 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! 3: It was like that when I got here!

The three phrases that'll get you through life: 1: Cover for me. 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! 3: It was like that when I got here!

I would tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don't want to see you everyday.

Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr Tagalog For Kids About Girls

Funny Work QuotesFunny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr Tagalog For Kids About Girls

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr Tagalog For Kids About Girls

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes Biography

Source:-Link(Google.com)
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."

"Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'"

"Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car."

"Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants."

"If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, 'Boy, these are good cigars!'"

"You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out."

"Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often."

"We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing."

Ever since you're little you hear this: 'The pilgrims left England to escape religious persecution and sneak religious freedom into the new world.' But even when you're little you're like, 'Umm.. Bullsh*t?'"

"The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, "I don't need a pardon. I need a job.'"

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."

"People always think of Chinese food as the go-to ethnic food when everything else is closed during the holidays, but Indian is a nice alternative. Plus -- Indians? Thanksgiving? Kinda makes sense..."

"This was a really, really big year for me. I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults' table. That's 'cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate."

"We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing."

Top Ten Signs You Had A Bad Thanksgiving
10."You ran out of booze by 11 a.m."
9."Most frequently used word at dinner: Heimlich"
8."Meal was leftovers from last Thanksgiving"
7."Thanks to new electric knife, kids fought over wishbone and your severed thumb"
6."The 'turkey' was wearing a dog collar"
5."Spent day in Times Square waiting for the giant turkey to drop"

"Here I am 5 o'clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird's butt..."

"My mother won't celebrate Thanksgiving. She says it represents the white man stealing our land. But she's not angry, she figures, 'What the hell, we're taking it back one casino at a time.'"

"I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right."

"I have had vegan Thanksgiving of tofurkey and soy gravy. And it's not to say that Thanksgiving will ever justify the genocide of the Native Americans. But vegan Thanksgiving -- that's just spitting on the graves, isn't it?"

"My mom has a little nickname for [when I came out]. She calls it 'the Thanksgiving that Stephanie ruined.' All time is told in our family tree by this one day. I'll go, 'Hey Mom, what year did Grandpa have his heart surgery?' 'Well, let's see. The Thanksgiving that you ruined was in '92, so that means he had his surgery in '67.'"

"Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed in the entire Peloponnesian War. This is because turkey can contain salmonella, which are tiny bacteria that, if they get in your bloodstream, develop into full-grown salmon, which could come leaping out of your mouth during an important business presentation."
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"You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out."

"If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, 'Boy, these are good cigars!'"

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land." -

"Thanksgiving is the day when you turn to another family member and say, 'How long has Mom been drinking like this?' My Mom, after six Bloody Marys looks at the turkey and goes

"Thanksgiving is America's national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty." -

"Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often."

Funny Thanksgiving Quotes Funny Quotes About Life About Friends And Sayings About Love About School Tumblr Tagalog For Kids About Girls